CERITA LAPOK KALAU KERAJAAN NAK BUAT ITU DAN INI

Rabu 25 Jun. Awal malam. Saya tengah asyik dengan computer game Spider saya apabila terdengar heboh-heboh di Warta Perdana TV 3 mengenai tindakan kerajaan menubuhkan satu badan untuk menangani isu pendatang asing tanpa izin di Sabah. Setakat itu saje lah minat saya pada berita tersebut kerana saya terus dengan komputer game saya. Sebenarnya saya tak berminat lansong dengan beriita TV ini, tak kiralah TV1 ke, 2, 3, 7, 9, 8 mau pun Bernama TV di rangkaian 502 Astro.

Apa tidaknya, asyik berita pasal BN sahaja. Berita mengenai kerajaan negeri Pakatan Rakyat, haram, kecuali untuk memburukkan pembangkang. Saya bukan tuan lawyer sama ada yang buruk atau baru. Saya sebenarnya atas sikit dari kategori bodoh alang. Jadi boleh tak mereka yang pakar (mustahil Malaysia tak ada pakar kerana pusat pengajian tinggi awam tak kurang 25 buah dan sementara Lee Kuan Yew bermegah dapat pulau sekangkang kera, kita dah hantar orang ke angkasa) beritahu saya. RTM ini siapa punya. Barisan Nasional atau rakyat punya. Kalau gaji Menteri Penerangan pun dibayar dari wang rakyat, tak kiralah rakyat cap DAP ke, PKR ke atau PAS, jadi untuk siapa RTM berkhidmat. Rakyat yang berhak mendapat berita yang bersifat neutral atau untuk golongan tertentu dengan niat mempropagandakan berita.

Cerita Pasal PATI

Kenapa saya malas sangat nak dengar berita pasal usaha untuk membanteras kebanjiran PATI ini. Bukankah kehadiran PATI membebankan infrastruktur negara seperti sistem pendidikan dan kesihatan yang ditanggung oleh wang rakyat malaysia yang membayar income tax tetapi dimenafaatkan oleh PATI yang tak bayar income tax. Apa? Penduduk tetap pun bayar income tax. Yelah tu. Kalau betul-betul layak untuk dapat taraf permastautin tetap tak apa. Tapi kalau baru masuk secara haram 3 bulan dah dapat KP merah tapi arwah ayah saya yang balik ke Malaysia secara sah ambil masa lebih 10 tahun untuk dapat KP merah, apa ke bendenya! Siapa yang untung kalau banyak PATI di malaysia. Siapa lagi kalau bukan golongan pemodal yang mengaji PATI dengan bayaran murah (dan kemudian lapor pada pihak berkuasa untuk elak bayar gaji) dan penguatkuasa undang-undang yang berpeluang tambah duit poket.

Saya dah muak, loya dan nak muntah dengan khabar angin kerajaan nak buat itu dan ini kerana itulah yang kerajaan buat iaitu NAK BUAT ITU DAN INI tapi tak buat. Cakap tak serupa bikin. Kenapa tak percaya ke?

Dulu masa petrol naik 30 sen ke RM 1.92 seliter, kerajaan kata akan gunakan penjimatan RM 4.4 billion wang subsidi untuk mempertingkatkan sistem pengangkutan awam. Apa dah jadi sekarang? Sistem komuter KTM bertambah haru biru ada.

Kita belanja berbilion ringgit nak buat Smart Tunnel. Keluar National Geographic lagi. Konon nak elak banjir kilat. Kenapa masih lagi kereta tersadai dalam air bah kalau hujan 1 jam aje. Lagi pun cerita pasal penebatan banjir ni gua dah dengar sejak zaman inspektor lagi. Sekarang dah nak pencen pun (nasib baik ada talian hayat sampai 58 tahun) air bukan bertambah surut, bertambah parah lagi ade.

Nak galakkan interaksi antara kaum, punahkan duit rakyat buat Summer Camp ala PLKN tapi apa dah jadi. India masih kata dia orang kena marginalised walhal lawyer kat India buat pejabat bawah pokok pisang aje tapi kat sini pakai BMW 5 series, Cina kata dia orang second class citizen tapi senarai 50 orang terkaya Malaysia, siapa yang ramai dan orang Melayu pulak kata dah terhakis ketuanan Melayu tapi yang sedihnya tuan-tuan Melayu sendiri yang memperhambakan orang melayu.

Nak Banteras PATI Konon

Cerita pasal nak membanteras PATI ni, saya dah dengar tak kurang 20 tahun dulu. Kalau dulu Mat Indon masuk cara haram, sekarang mamat tu dah pun berbesankan orang malaysia, Masalah PATI tak selesai juga. Dulu cuma dari Indonesia dan Bangladesh. Sekarang? Habis dari seluruh pelusuk negara ASEAN dan ASIA dia orang datang. Mereka dah ada penempatan sendiri pun. Kerajaan kita ni sebenarnya kerajaan flip flop. Macam ikan atas darat. Sekejap halau PATI keluar, sekejap tutup mata sebelah. Kena acah, melatah.

Lepas ni gerenti haru biru dibuatnya pendatang asing di Sabah. Habis RELA dan polis kena kerah ke Sabah (heh! dapat jalan dan makan free Yop). Bertempiar dibuatnya mamat dan minah Indon dan Filipin lari balik ke negeri masing-masing. Taukeh feri dan kapalterbang senyum sakan. Adalah sebulan dua, penguatkuasa kejar PATI ke hulu ke hilir. Lepas tu, senyap balik. Kita senyum balik. Depa datang balik. PATI banyak balik. Rakyat Malaysia bising balik. Cerita lama berulang balik.

Sekarang anda ada erti ke kenapa saya tak percaya dengan kata-kata kerajaan nak buat itu nak buat ini. Tapi salah siapa kalau bukan salah orang malaysia sendiri yang dengan mudah diperbodoh dan digula-gulakan. Heh! Heh! Saya pun 2 x 5 bangang tapi taklah all the time. You can fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. Tapi entahlah. Orang Malaysia ni lain sikit kut. Memang muka nak kena kelentong selalu, kalau tak, takkan scam email, scam SMS boleh beranak pinak kat sini dan associate professor pun kena tipu RM 600,000 oleh black money scam.

OK. Last sekali. Susah sangat ke nak atasi masalah PATI ni. Boleh tak kita buat macam ini. Bila tangkap PATi, ambil cap jari dia orang. Simpan dalam pengkalan data pusat yang boleh dicapai oleh semua penguatkuasa undang-undang. Kemudian apabila tangkap lagi PATI, semak capjari depa dalam pengkalan data. Kalau orang yang sama masuk balik secara haram lagi, sebat 3 kali, amacam. Degil? Sebat lagi. Lama-lama serik bang, mengelupas kulit, cemamai daging.

Nak tanya lu orang. Singapura pulau kan? Dekat dengan Indonesia kan.? Rakyat negara lain boleh menyelinap masuk Malaysia, pergi ke Stulang Laut, Johor Baru. Kemudian berenang ke Singapura. Atau pakai pelampong, bukan jauh sangat. Soalan saya. Singapura banyak PATI tak?

Fikir punya fikir baru teringat,. Kalau Pulau Batu Putih yang sekangkang kera, tak sampai 15 batu nautika dari Johor tak boleh jaga sampai kena curi dengan apek Singapura, inikan pulak nak jaga satu malaysia. Betul tak?

Jumpa lagi.

THE PUSH & PULL FACTOR OF STRAYING HUSBANDS

For this post, I’m going to veer away from my usual comments and observations of the chicanery going on in the government and the Royal Malaysia Police. I have been writing and giving my two cents worth of comments about both entities for longer time than I care to think of, but in the end, what happens? The Barisan Nasional gets to run the government. The people get robbed of their hard-earned money and we are fed one lie after another by government spin doctors packaging such blatant robberies as development projects for the benefit of the common men, women and children. Of course Iskandar Malaysia or for that matter any of the Economic Corridors opened by Pak Lah in various parts of the country opens doors to economic benefits. But who’s economic benefits. The well connected will build empires while the sons and daughters of parents whose land has been “appropriated” will become slaves serving the business empires of sons and daughters of millionaire politicians.

Ooopps! I better get back on track. I am not supposed to offer my views on those two organizations for this posting. Remember?

I will have been married for the last 28 years comes 27 June 2008. Neither a devil or an angel, there have been many temptations of the flesh along the way. Did I succumb to it. What do you think?

Why Are Men Always At Fault?

Hearing women talks, gossips and readings of the various aunt agony’s columns in newspapers and magazines, it is always the men who are at fault whenever a relationship fails. We exploit women for our sexual needs, we discard them when they grow old and haggard, we treat women like playthings, etc, etc. But have the ladies ever thought for once that maybe you are the one who place yourself into such situations and predicaments. That wives are the ones pushing their husbands into infidelity and keeping a mistress or two on the side.

There’s a Japanese engineer languishing in our jail right now, who was given a life sentence a few years back for rape and attempted murder of one of his factory staff. I remember the evidence given in court by staff of the hotel where the rape occurs. The engineer and his female companion were seen entering the hotel together, they went to the hotel’s lounge together, they got drunk together, they enter the hotel’s lift together and they enter one of the hotel rooms together. The woman claimed she was raped.

Who’s fault is that. A woman and a man together in a hotel room. What do you expect the poor man to do. Just look and smile at her and then read the papers. You must be joking. Unless he is an eunuch and she is a gorgon, the inevitable normally happens. OK, the rough sex that almost leads to her death may be a little bit too much. I know that women interest groups expects a guy to behave decently under trying circumstances. Like when a woman dresses provocatively, talks and moves suggestively. I too expect that high a standard of myself. Like asking a woman to dress up when she is seriously trying to dress down and drag along my last ounce of resistance to hell. But believing that all men will behave as you want them to behave when alone together with a woman in a romantic and hormone charged environment is like wanting to believe that a leopard can changed it’s spot or that George Bush will become a saint. I have an experiment that you can carry out. The next time you go to a zoo, go jump into the crocodile pond or lions enclosure. If nothing happens to you (but cannot pakai charms ahhh! or tangkal), then I’m talking cock (can use ah! this word).

I might not have the heights, the cash or the charms of a casanova but there are times when I know I don’t have to do anything to convince a woman to marry me. Malay man can marry 4 what. No thank you, because what I have at home in the form of my wife can match what is on offer outside inch for inch and pound for pound of female companionship. Every time a woman interest me, I asked myself this question. What has she got that my wife doesn’t have? That is my key for 28 years of happy marriage.

I remember a collegue of mine who was together with me accompanying some Indonesian police officers who were part of a personnel exchange program between POLRI and PDRM. As part of the host hospitality we were brought to a club where you can choose the woman of your choice to accompany you for some recreational activities of a sexual nature. The good guys that we are, myself and an Indonesian officer decides not to join in the fun (men like us are a dying breed). The woman my colleague choose, measure 4 in a beauty scale of 10 but his wife measures 8 on the same scale. Curious, on our way back home, I asked him why he bothers with that Thai girl while his wife is more attractive and of a similar age. The answer. Service sir, we don’t just screws, we take a bath together and she message me first before we hit the bed, my wife don’t do that at home. See what I mean ladies. Can’t you do that at home. Take a bath together with your husband. Pleeasse… don’t give me the children are at home excuse.

A friend of mine likes to go to a karaoke joint near the housing estate where we stay. After a few outings I got sick of the cold, the cigarette smoke and the croaking voice of wannabe singers. I posed a question. You have got a good karaoke system in the house. Your children are grown ups. Can’t you just sing at home, I asked. Yes, he says, but the atmosphere is different. At the karaoke lounge, I have woman sitting on my lap while I sing. Trying to get my wife to sit on my lap while I sing P.Ramlee numbers, my wife said I was a crazy old coot. Ladies, what you can’t provide at home, your man will find it outside.

Push & Pull

These are just two of the hundreds of personal observations I have made of my friends and mostly colleagues who have either decided to have a second wife or looks for alternate bed companions outside of marriage. It is from this observations that I have come out with the pull and push factor of why men goes for another woman despite having a healthy attractive wife at home. If the pull factor outside is acerbated by the push factor at home, then he will spent his time outside the home. The pull factor at home must always be on par if not higher than the pull factor outside.

The prophet Mohammad s.a.w. on being asked by his daughter Siti Fatimah on who is the perfect housewife was asked to visit a certain woman. She did so. In spite of being told that she, Fatimah, is the prophet’s daughter, Fatimah was not allowed to enter the house as she (the woman) has not been given permission by the husband to allow even the prophet’s daughter to enter the house. Fatimah was asked to return the next day after permission has been given. Fatimah returned the next day but this time with Hassan, the prophet’s grandson. Yes, you Fatimah may enter, said the woman, but not Hassan as my husband’s permission is only for you to enter the house. Please returned the next day when I have got permission for both of you to come in. Siti Fatimah returned again but this time with Hussein, another of the prophet’s grandson in tow. Yes, you and Hassan may enter but not Hussein as I have only obtained permission for you and Hassan to enter our house said the woman. If you really want to see me please come again tomorrow when I have gotten permission for all three of you to enter the house.

The very next day Fatimah returned to the woman’s house, confident that this time there will be no hitches. Unfortunately this time the woman’s husband arrived home. She asked Siti Fatimah, Hassan and Hussein to wait outside, she immediately went into the house, stripped naked, holds a cane in her hand and eagerly waits for her husband. On seeing the woman again, Siti Fatimah questions her on her actions. “When my husband came home from a long and tiring journey, it’s my duty to please him and clear his mind of worldly cares, that’s why I stripped naked. The cane is for him to cane me if he’s unhappy with me. I won’t go at length on this anecdote but leave it to you ladies to ponder on it’s hidden meaning. But let me warned you. If you interpret this anecdote from the western oriented feminist viewpoint, you’ll miss the point. If the female gwailo are so smart why are there so many divorces in gwailo country.

Is my marriage that great, is my wife that wonderful. NO, my marriage has it’s ups and down, my wife at times riles me. But the important thing is this. For the last 28 years there’s nothing outside, that my wife cannot provide at home. So why seek pleasure outside marriage and risk eternity in hell when you can have a great time inside marriage and score brownie points for time in heaven.

P/S. Ladies, I agree that sex is not the end all in ensuring a good marriage but try imagining a well laid out dinner, excellent food served on the best china ware with silver cutlery, attentive waiters, good company and in a romantic and beautiful ambience but minus the salt. Is that going to be a memorable dinner?

Enough said. Byeeeee!!

ENTERTAINMENT MALAYSIA STYLE

Compared to Malaysia, Singapore is a dull and boring place. Those kiasu people only know how to make money. That’s why for fun they drop by JB or for holidays they zoom around our highways. After all kalau kena caught speeding why worry. If malaysians bayar RM 100 to compound the traffic offence, singaporeans pay only $45. Cheap what, some more they are the highest paid government servants in the world.

Talking about Singapore, that small island that once belongs to Malaysia, I don’t understand why malaysians and foreigners even, are going ga-ga over that Cina Beng country that successfully and legally steals Pulau Batu Putih from us. What do they actually have in terms of physical development. Do they have the tallest (once upon a time) building in the world like the Petronas Twin Towers. Even if they want to, where can they built the 3^rd longest bridge in the world. Linked it from mainland Singapore to Pedro Branca, the former Malaysian Pulau Batu Putih? You must be joking. You can at least put 2 Singapore into Pulau Pinang. Transportation systems .... ha!! They only have the MRT while we have PUTRA, STAR and the Monorail system transvassing our cities carrying ordinary ciizens to their destinations fast and efficiently. So for those who still thinks that Singapore is such a developed and wonderful place, think again. I know meh! I was brought up in Singapore remember. And worst still the Singapore government is a copycat goverment. If not, why are they following our lead in building their own casinos and staging their F1 race which we have been successfully doing so for years.

If Singapore is a dull place, the same cannot be said of my bumi country, Malaysia, where all Malays are filthy rich regardless of political affiliations or patronage and all Chinese are exceedingly poor while the Indians are marginalised in the estates. The price of petrol may be expensive for us malaysians compared to indonesians who only pay RM 2.38 sens for a litre of petrol but at least here in Malaysia, we have almost free entertainment if you just know where to look for it.

You, the Mrs and the kids wants to go to the circus? Why bother about The Great London Royal Circus. Just amble on to parliament house. It’s as good a circus as any in the world and during parlimentary seatings you can see the clowns performing, courtesy of UMNO. Want to read works of fiction but can’t afford the expensive paperbacks at MPH. Just read the local government sanctioned newpapers like Utusan Malaysia, Star, etc, and you are reading the best the world of fiction writing can offer. Sometimes back they even have a science fiction story section. Alahai! that Dr.Sheikh Muzaffar guy who goes into space, stays in a space station and then make some roti canai and the tarik experiments. Why worry, not government money only taxpayers money what.

If you are a fan of blood and gore, just travel along the malaysian highways and you’ll see a lot of broken bodies, blood and overturned or down the ravine buses, this time courtesy of PUSPAKOM vehicles inspectors. Ever heard of the Keystone Cops. It’s actually a fictional celluloid cops of the early 30’s or 40’s if I’m not mistaken, who are almost cartoonish in their efforts to maintain law and order. If you miss them, you don’t have to hunt high and low for old yellowish film copies. Just stay around anywhere in Malaysia and very soon you’ll bump into one. Last but not least if you can’t get enough of action thrillers with lots of explosion just tuned your mind to the Altantuya murder. Wah! Lau! they simply don’t kill the poor dear, they explode her. Singapore, where got something like that wan. Opps! almost forget. You are mushy over romance right. Malaysia also have. Have you forgotten the Siti and Datuk K love story.

Now tell me guys. Do Singapore have such entertainment. If they do, you have to pay through your nose to get in and witness it. In Malaysia, it’s free and easily available. Just think. How dull can it get if you visit a sex worker in Singapore and before you can unzip your pants, she starts producing her medical card to show you that she has been tested for sexually transmitted diseases during the last 6 months. Where’s the adventure and thrill in that. At least in Malaysia, you get to play Russian Roullette everytime you visit a prostitute. Maybe at this visit and this girl, you kena AIDS. Isn’t that adventure to the highest degree.

So, with all this fun, adventure, thrills, clown shows and a full time circus in town, who wants to be a Singaporean. Not me!

P/S. Any country out there wants to adopt me?

ON BECOMING A PROSTITUTE

Way back in 1967 when I first discovers that holding a girl’s hand can sent tingles up your spine, I have never had any negative opinions about prostitutes. By the way, the above occasion was my first date at the Rex Theatre, Singapore watching the hindustani movie Bramachari with …… heck! I can’t remember her name. And yes, back then I already knew that there are women who are willing to sell their bodies for cash. How does a Form 2 boy knew about ladies of the night? I read a lot and watch a lot of movies, ok!!

Today, forty-one years later, I am becoming a prostitute. Not a gigolo because I can never be one even if I wanted to. I’m vertically challenged in both the height and looks department and no 6 pack abs to boast. Coupled with the fact that I am prone to asthma attacks if I exert myself, which sane Mak Datin or rich single professional woman would want to hire me to keep her company for the night. Unless she’s bananas of course. Then again I always carry with me my trusted Ventolin Inhaler. Who knows, I might get lucky one of this days.

I am due for my compulsory retirement on 1 February 2009. When the government announced that malaysian government servants can retire at the age of 58, I am left with two options. Retire gracefully when the time comes or sign on for duties in purgatory until I’m 58. I have not declared my options yet cause I am still hoping that some good samaritan business organisation could offer me a position as Head Jaga. But time is running short. I have to make known my choice by the 21^st of June. Ho! Boy. What choice do I have. The malays would say it’s a telan mati mak, diluah mati bapak situation or as the matsalleh in me would pronounce, it’s a Hobson Choice. Damned if you do damned if you don’t.

What does becoming a prostitue has to do with choosing to retire at 56 or 58. A lot. The price of petrol was recently hiked to RM 2.70 a litre, one of the most expensive amongst the petroleum producing countries. Electricity tariff is going up in July and much earlier, my kampit of rice has also gone up. Very very soon the price of goods in malaysia is going to go sky-high but thank god, Pak Lah’s government is in the process of implementing programs to help the needy like buying a private Boeing for himself. In the mean time, we still have to live, eat, make love, sleep, wake up, eat and we go on repeating the same cycle day after day while our gaji remains the same day after day after day. Unless the government allows us to kowtim a little bit on the side while waiting for the price of petrol to plummet.

I have been waiting for that elusive phone calls that will alllow me to drap my my blue uniform onto a scare crow and then go entertain my kakis in a karaoke lounge and have an underage GRO (Gatal Relation Officer) sit on my lap without the need to first ask for permission from the police department. I am still waiting for that one phone call and time is running out. By the look of things, I have to sign on the dotted line and pakai my uniform polis for the next two years. What choice do I have ma? Stomach got to fill, water and electric bill have to pay also. Some more, I like to tengok wayang and buy kuachi. What to do. Work until die loh!!!

Why do a woman sell her body. For money. Does any woman who becomes a prostitute believed in her work. You tell me. Does any right thinking woman choose on purpose to become a prostitute. Unless she’s one g-string short of becoming naked.

I used to believe in my work as a policeman. Not any longer. Do I sincerely want to continue as a policeman. After witnessing what PDRM is like, no, thank you very much. If that is the case, why am I signing for another 2 years of heartache. For the money lah stupid, what else. AM I NOT A PROSTITUTE THEN?

Any body out there want to hire me for a good time. Ladies only please. I may not be that sad because of the new petrol price but I am certaintly not gay.

Byeeee!!!!!